Have you ever known, somewhere in the back of your mind, that you needed a break—but you didn’t listen?
Have you ever pushed through, stayed responsible, kept caring for everyone else, and then wondered why you suddenly became irritable, resentful, or angry?
Overwhelmed by Life
That happened to me recently.
Life had become unusually full. Family needs, ministry responsibilities, book launch details, workshops, emails, and everyday concerns were all piling up. Somewhere inside, I knew I needed some solitude, some time to get away from the world for a bit and recharge.
Not a long retreat. Just one quiet overnight. Some time alone with God. Some space for my soul to breathe.
But I ignored the need. I told myself I could wait.
And then, as often happens when we ignore what our soul is trying to tell us, the need started coming out sideways. I started snapping at my wife, answering her with that short, tense, grumpy tone: “I said I’ll do it. Would you get off my back?”
Finally, I listened. I stopped dismissing what my soul had been trying to tell me.
I stepped away for a quiet overnight at my cottage. Almost immediately, something shifted. My body softened. My heart unclenched. My attitude changed.
The circumstances hadn’t changed. But I had.
Later, as I reflected on the incident with my spiritual mentor, she spoke these words of wisdom:
“Needs that aren’t listened to don’t disappear. They get pushed down inside us. And eventually, they start banging on the basement pipes.”
When Needs Get Pushed Down
That phrase landed in me. Because that’s exactly what had happened.
My need for solitude had been there all along. It wasn’t dramatic at first. It wasn’t screaming. It was just a quiet whisper.
Instead of listening, I pushed the need down and tried to keep going.
I tried to be responsible. I tried to be loving. I tried to wait.
But eventually, what I’d pushed down started making noise. It didn’t come out cleanly. It came out sideways—as irritability, resentment, and anger.
The pipes were banging, and I finally had to listen.
Do Your Pipes Bang Too?
And that’s what many of us do.
We ignore the early signs because other people need us. There’s work to do. We don’t want to disappoint anyone or appear selfish. So, we tell ourselves rest can wait until everything else is done.
But the soul doesn’t work that way. The body doesn’t work that way.
Unmet needs don’t simply disappear because we’re busy, responsible, or trying to be good people. They get pushed down inside us. And once they’re down there long enough, they start making noise.
They clang around in us as resentment. They rattle through our bodies as tension. They leak out as sarcasm, impatience, withdrawal, or anger. They come out sideways because we haven’t slowed down long enough to name what we need, speak our needs out loud, and take one healthy step toward giving our soul what it’s asking for.
Anger Is Often a Symptom
My spiritual mentor helped me see that my anger wasn’t the whole story.
Anger was the symptom. The deeper truth was that something inside me had been asking for rest and space, and I kept brushing it aside.
That doesn’t excuse our reactions. We’re still responsible for how we speak, act, and treat others. But it does invite us to become curious.
Instead of asking, Why am I so angry? we might ask:
What need have I been ignoring?
What part of me is depleted?
What has been trying to get my attention?
Where have I pushed past my limits in the name of love, duty, or responsibility?
Sometimes anger is not the enemy. Sometimes anger is the alarm bell.
It tells us something in us needs care, attention, honesty, and God’s healing presence.
The False Guilt of Having Needs
One reason we ignore our needs is because we feel guilty for having them.
This is especially true for those of us who are helpers, caregivers, parents, spouses, teachers, ministers, or spiritual directors.
We may believe that love means endless availability. Being faithful means pushing through. If someone else is hurting, our needs must move to the back of the line.
But having needs doesn’t make us selfish. It makes us human.
Even Jesus withdrew to quiet places. He stepped away from the crowds. He went up the mountain. He got into the boat. He invited his disciples to “come away and rest awhile.”
That wasn’t avoidance. That was wisdom. That was rhythm. That was holy self-awareness. Self-care.
We’re not built to absorb everyone’s pain without tending to our own hearts.
Love requires presence. But presence requires replenishment.
How Do We Notice Our Needs Sooner?
The question is not: How do I never get angry again?
The better question is:
How do I notice my quiet need before I come out sideways?
Here are a few simple practices that can help.
1. Listen to the First Whisper
Most needs don’t begin as emergencies.
They begin as whispers.
I need a little space. I’m feeling crowded. I don’t want to talk right now. I need silence. I’m tired of being needed. I need to get away for a bit.
The first whisper is easy to dismiss.
We say, Later.
We say, It’s not that bad.
We say, Other people have it worse.
We say, I can wait.
But the whisper is often wisdom. It may be your soul trying to get your attention before your anger has to do it for you.
2. Notice When Small Things Feel Too Big
One of the clearest signs that we’re near capacity is when ordinary things start feeling overwhelming.
A simple question feels like pressure. A minor inconvenience feels like one more brick in the backpack. A normal request feels like an accusation.
That usually means the issue isn’t the small thing itself.
The issue is capacity.
When we’re grounded, rested, and connected to God, we can often hold a lot. But when we’re depleted, even small things feel impossible.
That isn’t failure. It’s information.
3. Pay Attention to Resentment
Resentment is often an unmet need trying to get our attention.
When we think: Why does everyone need something from me? Why can’t people just leave me alone? Why do I always have to carry this? Why doesn’t anyone notice what I need?
Something in us is waving a flag.
Resentment often means we’ve crossed our own line and didn’t admit it. We said yes when something deeper in us was saying no. We gave more than we had to give, then got upset with others for accepting what we didn’t have the courage to say no to.
Resentment isn’t always pretty. But it can be a valuable teacher.
4. Use a Simple Inner Check-In
One practical way to notice our inner state is to pause and use a simple color check-in with ourselves—an easy way to name what’s happening inside us.
- Green: I’m tired, but I’m okay. I still have capacity.
- Yellow: I’m irritable, crowded, or emotionally thin. I need some solitude soon.
- Orange: I’m coming out sideways. I need a real break tonight or tomorrow.
- Red: I’m in desolation. I need to stop, get grounded, and not make any decisions until I return to myself.
The goal is to act at yellow or orange instead of waiting until red.
By the time we’re in red, things often get messy. That doesn’t mean we’ve failed. It just means we waited too long to listen.
5. Name the Need Without Blaming Anyone
This is one of the hardest and most important steps.
It’s easy to say:
- You’re overwhelming me.
- Everyone is driving me crazy.
- I can’t take this anymore.
But it’s more honest and more helpful to say:
- I’m at capacity.
- I need some solitude
- I’m not mad at you; I’m depleted.
- I need to step away so I don’t come out sideways.
- I love you, and I need a little space to come back to myself.
When we name the need without blaming someone else, we protect the relationship and honor the truth.
6. Give Yourself a Break Before You Become Desperate
This may be the biggest lesson.
We don’t have to wait until we’re angry to take care of ourselves. We don’t have to wait until we’re depleted to rest. We don’t have to wait until the basement pipes are banging before we finally ask, What do I need?
Sometimes the most spiritual thing we can do is give ourselves permission sooner. Permission to rest. Permission to leave the noise. Permission to take a walk. Permission to be quiet. Permission to turn off the phone. Permission to be unavailable for a little while.
Permission to breathe. Permission to be human.
Coming Back to Ourselves
When I finally stepped away for some solitude, it didn’t solve every problem.
Life was still full. The to-do list was still there. The relationships and responsibilities were still real.
But I had changed.
The solitude helped me come back to myself. My nervous system settled. My heart softened. I could breathe again.
And I could see more clearly that my need for solitude wasn’t selfish. It was sacred information.
It was my soul saying, Pay attention. You’re getting depleted. Come away and recharge.
Living in the Divine Flow
That’s part of the Divine Flow lifestyle.
Not endless availability. Not spiritual perfection. Not ignoring our limits in the name of love.
But learning to listen for God in our lives, our bodies, our needs, and our limitations.
Because sometimes God speaks through Scripture. Sometimes God speaks through silence. Sometimes God speaks through a spiritual mentor. Sometimes God speaks through the body.
And sometimes God speaks through the banging of the basement pipes, saying:
My beloved, you’ve ignored this need long enough. Come away. Rest. Let your soul breathe.
Ponder
Where in your life are your needs banging on the basement pipes?
What whisper have you been ignoring?
What would it look like to honor that need before it comes out sideways?
Maybe today the invitation isn’t to push harder. Maybe the invitation is to listen sooner.
To name the need honestly. To give yourself permission to be human.
And to remember that caring for your soul isn’t selfish. It’s how love becomes sustainable.
It’s how we live in the flow of God’s amazing grace.
Have a blessed week.
Your friend in the flow,
brian
An excerpt from my upcoming book:
Divine Flow: Reclaiming the Lost Art of Contemplation for Everyday Life
“While science highlights meditation’s physical and mental benefits, its greatest value lies in its spiritual impact. Meditation allows us to experience a direct relationship with God.
Through meditation, we quiet the mind’s constant chatter, creating space to access the soul’s innate wisdom. This allows us to tap into Divine Flow, a natural state of harmony where we align with the Divine Presence within us. In this state, we experience profound inner peace, clarity, and unconditional love.”
If you pre-order Divine Flow before June 23 and email me your receipt to [email protected], I’ll send you these packages of bonuses worth over $50:
- The Divine Flow Journal and
- The Divine Flow Daily Reflections PDF
To learn more about my upcoming book Divine Flow: Click here
Links to Pre-Order:
************************
If you’re seeking a gentler start to your mornings—one you can carry with you into your day to find more inner peace—I invite you to join DivineFlow Daily, a free short reflection and quote sent to your inbox each day. In under a minute, it’s meant to help you slow down, breathe, and remember what truly gives life before the noise sets in.
Sign up for divineFlow Daily here.
0 Comments