A few days ago, I arrived at our cottage for the weekend.
The grass had grown thick. The garden was crowded with weeds, their roots tangled deep in the soil.
I grumbled, changed into work clothes, and got at it.
I pushed the mower through the heat, the smell of fresh-cut grass rising around me. Then I knelt in the garden, tugging weeds from the dirt, feeling the sun burn the back of my neck.
By the time I finished, my sweaty shirt clung to my skin, my hands were streaked with dirt, and all I wanted was too cool off.
When a Simple Decision Becomes a Debate
That’s when the great spiritual debate began.
Should I take a shower? Or should I jump in the lake?
Deep stuff, right?
Part of me said, “Go jump in the lake. Be adventurous. You’re at the cottage.”
Another part said, “You’re 68 years old. The water is 53 degrees. Don’t be ridiculous. Take the shower.”
Back and forth my mind went.
Jump in the lake.
No, take a shower.
Be adventurous.
Be wise.
Act your age.
Enjoy life while you can.
“Seriously?” I chuckled out loud.
Here I was, trying to make an ordinary decision, and my mind had turned it into a courtroom drama.
The Problem Isn’t Always the Decision
Isn’t that what we often do?
Should I take a nap or push through? Should I answer that email now or wait until tomorrow? Should I go for a walk or tackle the next project? Should I rest, work, call a friend, clean the house, start a project, finish a project, or finally sit down and breathe?
All day long, we make ordinary decisions. Often, the decision itself isn’t what exhausts us. The exhaustion comes from the word “should.”
In my book Divine Flow: Spiritual Practices to Reclaim Inner Peace, Balance, and Wholeness, I write about the practice of noticing when we’re “shoulding” ourselves.
It’s a simple phrase, but it names something many of us do all the time. Every time we use the word should, we can burden ourselves with guilt, fear, duty, or self-judgment.
We’re trying to make a wise decision. But often, we’re putting ourselves on trial. And being on trial with ourselves becomes exhausting.
Why “Should” Wears Us Out
Our brains are constantly evaluating options, predicting outcomes, and scanning for danger. That’s helpful when we’re crossing a busy street.
It’s less helpful when we’re trying to decide how to live the next faithful moment.
When the mind gets stuck in should, it often creates endless loops of analysis. One part argues for one choice. Another part argues for another. Soon we’re worn out by decisions that may not matter all that much.
The result is mental ping-pong. Our thoughts bounce back and forth between competing arguments, and we lose our inner peace.
Ask a More Life-Giving Question
Over the years, I’ve discovered a better question.
Instead of asking, “What should I do?” I’ve learned to ask, “What would be life-giving right now?”
That question often stops the mental ping-pong. It moves the decision from my head into my heart.
Instead of arguing both sides, I begin to listen more deeply. What would bring peace here? What would help me respond with wisdom instead of fear? What would open me to love for myself, God, and others?
It’s no longer about proving I’m right. It’s about choosing the path that helps me live more fully alive.
When I asked myself that question at the cottage, the answer became clear. I was tired. My body wanted rest. A shower sounded nourishing. The lake wasn’t going anywhere.
So I took the shower and then a nice nap. Later, I went swimming.
The answer wasn’t really the point. The deeper gift was discovering that I didn’t need to fight with myself. I could listen, choose, and enjoy life.
Listening for the Voice of Love
In my workshops, I often talk about three voices we hear within ourselves: the Inner Critic, the Intellectual Voice, and the Voice of Love.
The Inner Critic tells us what we’re doing wrong. The Intellectual Voice analyzes every possible outcome.
The Voice of Love asks a different kind of question:
What would bring life right now?
The Voice of Love rarely shouts. It doesn’t pressure, shame, or demand certainty. Instead, it gently invites.
It sounds something like this: What would bring a little more peace into this moment? What would restore balance?
What would create space for rest, joy, or love? What would help me live from my truest self in God?
That’s a different conversation than the one most of us have inside our heads.
Try This
The next time you find yourself stuck in indecision, notice how many times the word should appears in your thoughts.
Then gently replace it with a better question:
What would be life-giving right now?
Maybe the life-giving thing is to take a nap. Maybe it’s to take the walk. Maybe it’s to make the call. Maybe it’s to finish the project. Maybe it’s to jump in the lake. Or maybe it’s to take the warm shower and call it good.
You may be surprised by how quickly clarity arrives, not because you’ve solved every problem, but because you’ve stopped arguing with yourself long enough to hear the wisdom that was already there.
The path forward often begins when we stop “shoulding” ourselves and start listening for the Voice of Love.
This week, may you notice when you’re shoulding yourself. And when you do, may you gently turn toward the deeper question: What would be life-giving right now?
See how that question helps you step into the river of Divine Flow, the place where God’s grace, love, and beauty invite you to live from your truest self in God.
If you’d like to dive a little deeper, I created a short video on my YouTube page called Stop Shoulding Yourself. You can watch it here: Stop Shoulding Yourself
Have a life-giving week.
Your friend in the flow,
brian
Last Chance to Jump In
One more thing before you go.
This Tuesday, I’m hosting my free Divine Flow book launch event, Stories of Hope and Transformation, and I’d love for you to join us.
So, grab your virtual kayak and jump into the river of Divine Flow with me and five amazing guests as we share real-life stories of how to quiet our minds and experience God’s presence in daily life.
We’ll have some fun, share meaningful stories, and award a few prizes to those who attend live.
It’s free. You just need to RSVP.
Click here to learn more and save your spot for this fun-filled evening of hope, transformation, and Divine Flow:
Dive Into the Divine River
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A quote from my upcoming book:
Divine Flow: Reclaiming the Lost Art of Contemplation for Everyday Life
“When we live a contemplative lifestyle, we experience what Scripture calls the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Serendipity unfolds as people, places, and things naturally fall into place. Faith becomes a relationship rather than a belief system. God becomes a friend we lean on for guidance, affirmation, and comfort.
Because God meets each of us uniquely, our experiences will differ. Yet as we walk the contemplative path—what this book calls Divine Flow—and weave its practices into our daily lives, we begin to notice common, life-changing patterns emerge. These become shared truths we can learn from and offer to one another.”
If you pre-order Divine Flow before June 23 and email me your receipt to [email protected], I’ll send you these packages of bonuses worth over $50:
- The Divine Flow Journal and
- The Divine Flow Daily Reflections PDF
To learn more about my upcoming book Divine Flow: Click here
Links to Pre-Order:
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If you’re seeking a gentler start to your mornings—one you can carry with you into your day to find more inner peace—I invite you to join divineFlow Daily, a free short reflection and quote sent to your inbox each day. In under a minute, it’s meant to help you slow down, breathe, and remember what truly gives life before the noise sets in.
Sign up for divineFlow Daily here.
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