How to Shut Down Shame! (Why Self-Empathy Is Good For Your Soul)

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Reflections

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Posted On February 23, 2024

“Can you forgive yourself for being perfectly human?” my mentor Ann asked.

I was in a quandary seeking guidance on how I could let go of trying to “fix” the people in my life. I’d become absorbed in others’ struggles, carrying their anxious presence in my mind, wondering how I could help them resolve the issues they’d confided in me. I needed help in learning to walk alongside others without taking on their pain.

Ann’s question caught me by surprise. I was expecting she would teach me about empathy for others—how to mirror back another person’s struggles without internalizing their pain. But she turned the spotlight on me.

“Can I forgive myself?” I silently pondered Ann’s question for a moment. The anger I’d become all too familiar with brewed once again in my mind.

“No. I can’t,” I replied as a scowl tightened my face. “I’ve pushed myself all these years to try harder, to be better, to excel. If I let up on myself, I’m afraid I’ll fail in life. I won’t reach my goals. God might be angry with me. I might not go to heaven.”

“You’ve placed a pretty high bar for yourself,” Ann said.

“And when you push yourself to be perfect, you expect others to do the same, don’t you?”

Her words jabbed at my heart.

“I hadn’t thought of it that way, but you’re right. My tendency to push myself and others hard comes from a place of compassion. But it’s become a shadow side of my personality. I often push too hard, and when I do, a blanket of shame shrouds my heart.”

Ann continued her loving guidance as she unveiled the richness of developing the gift of self-empathy.

Self-empathy refers to our ability to understand and connect with our feelings, thoughts, and experiences in a compassionate and non-judgmental manner. It involves recognizing and acknowledging our emotions, needs, and challenges with kindness and understanding.

Practicing self-empathy is a vital aspect of emotional well-being and personal growth. It empowers individuals to gain insights into themselves, foster self-compassion, and navigate life’s challenges with increased resilience. Self-empathy is a valuable gift we bestow upon ourselves.

“When you bump into one of your shortcomings or get angry at yourself for your limitations, instead of shaming yourself, simply whisper, ‘I forgive you,’” Ann advised.

She explained that having forgiveness for ourselves lets us accept both our strengths and our weaknesses without becoming a harsh inner critic. This form of self-empathy is medicine for our souls. It opens a place of compassion in our hearts letting God’s love flood our minds, bodies, and spirits with healing grace and divine energy.

After meeting with Ann, I went home and took out a large sheet of newsprint. On it, I listed a bunch of things for which I need to forgive myself. “I forgive you for expecting yourself to be perfect,” I wrote on the list. “I forgive you for being ten pounds overweight,” I continued. “I forgive you for being impatient and angry at an imperfect world. I forgive you for being impatient and angry at others. I forgive you for being impatient and angry at yourself.”

I finished my list that covered two sheets of newsprint. Then, I stepped back and viewed it.

Tears streamed down my face as the self-judgment and anger with which I had so often shamed myself began to soften. Placing my hands on my chest, I opened my heart and let myself simply be me, warts and all. “This is what healing grace feels like,” I whispered to myself.

When I finished my I-forgive-you list, I sensed I also needed to celebrate those parts of me that I respect and honor. I took out another sheet of newsprint and listed my good characteristics.

At the top of the I-respect-you list, I wrote in bold letters, “I am willing to grow and develop self-empathy.”

A smile flooded my face as I chuckled out loud. Seeing myself through this new lens will require lots of practice. Thanks to Ann, I’ve learned how to stop shaming myself and instead nourish my soul with the gift of self-empathy.

—brian j plachta
brianplachta.com

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Written by Brian J. Plachta

Following the Breadcrumbs God Leaves Along Our Path

What if God is speaking through ordinary moments more often than we realize?

A conversation that stays with us. A door that closes. A quiet nudge we can’t quite explain. An unexpected invitation that seems to come at just the right time.

The challenge is learning to notice these moments before we have any idea where they’re leading, and trusting the next step.

Over time, we may begin to see that God’s guidance doesn’t always come as an answer. Sometimes, it comes as a trail.

What to Do When God Seems Silent

Has silence ever made you feel like God is far away? When we feel this way, it’s easy to start looking for answers or waiting for a clear sign. But prayer can also be as simple as slowing down and noticing what’s already here. The breeze. The waves. Your breath. The quiet. God’s presence doesn’t always come through words. Sometimes we just need to be still enough to notice.

Let God Alone Define You

Ever have someone’s words get stuck in your head?
Maybe they criticized you, misunderstood you, or told a story about you that doesn’t feel true. And before long, you’re holding a courtroom in your mind—defending yourself, replaying the conversation, wondering if maybe they’re right.

There’s another way.

Bring it into the quiet with God.

Ask: Is there something here I need to learn? Is there something I need to own? And what was never mine to carry in the first place?

We can stay humble enough to receive the truth without letting someone else’s opinion become our identity.

Because in the end, God alone defines you.

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