Confessions of a Spiritual Bypasser —Are You One Too?
Has something ever happened to you that festered inside like a wound refusing to heal?
Maybe someone made a comment that cut deep. Someone promised to help but then disappeared. You shared your heart with a friend, and they brushed you off.
You tried to be spiritual about it. You told yourself:
“It’s fine.”
“I forgive them.”
“God’s got this.”
All good and beautiful truths.
But despite your best efforts, the frustration kept circling back. The disappointment kept gnawing at you. The wound kept festering.
You tried to move on. But something inside you wouldn’t let go.
That happened to me recently.
I talked to someone I hoped might open a few doors for talks and workshops connected to the Divine Flow Project—a project to help people reclaim the contemplative tradition and experience God in everyday life.
At first, the conversation seemed hopeful. But he passed.
No leads. No introductions. No open doors.
And I felt it.
Frustration. Disappointment. A little anger.
So, I did what I often do. I reached for a quick spiritual fix:
“It’s okay.”
“Forgive.”
“Let it go.”
“God’s got this.”
All good spiritual truths. But underneath, something in me was still bothered. Festering.
Seeking Wise Counsel
I brought my frustration to my mentor during one of our monthly spiritual direction meetings.
I told her the story and explained, “I know I need to forgive. I know I need to let it go. I know God’s got this.”
She listened, then gently said, “Brian, optimism is a gift. It helps us see light, possibility, and hope.”
She paused, smiled, and added, “But sometimes optimism moves too quickly. It skips over what you’re actually feeling.”
That one caught me off guard.
She explained that when we skip over an emotion, it often keeps coming back because we haven’t received the lesson, wisdom, or virtue God may be trying to form in us.
Dandelion Wisdom
“It’s like a dandelion in the lawn,” she said. “If you pop off just the yellow flower, the lawn looks better for a while. But the root is still there. Sooner or later, the weed grows back.”
That’s what spiritual bypassing does. It pops off the top of the emotion with a quick spiritual phrase:
“It’s fine.” “I forgive.” “God’s got this.”
But it doesn’t get to the root.
To heal, we have to get the shovel out and dig beneath the surface with questions like these:
What’s underneath this anger?
What fear is being touched?
What lesson or virtue is God trying to help me learn?
As my mentor offered her wisdom, I saw it. I wasn’t healing. I was bypassing.
What’s Spiritual Bypassing?
Spiritual bypassing occurs when we use spiritual ideas, language, or practices to avoid dealing with what we’re actually feeling inside.
It can sound like:
“It’s fine.” “I forgive.” “God’s got this.”
And sometimes those things are true. Forgiveness is important. Trusting God is good. Letting go is healthy.
But when we reach for those truths too quickly, they can become a way of avoiding what’s going on inside of us.
That’s the difference.
Spiritual truth is meant to heal us. But sometimes we use spiritual truth to hide from ourselves.
Spiritual bypassing is using something true to avoid something real.
Why It Doesn’t Work
At first, spiritual bypassing feels like relief. It gives us a quick sense of peace. A way to feel in control. A way to sound spiritually mature.
But underneath, the anger is still there. The hurt is still there. The disappointment is still there. We’ve just buried it. And buried emotions don’t disappear.
They come back later as resentment, anxiety, exhaustion, irritation, or disconnection from ourselves and from God.
Instead of bringing our raw selves to God, we bring the version of ourselves we think we’re supposed to be. The calm version. The forgiving version. The “I’m fine” version.
But God doesn’t meet us in the version we pretend to be. God meets us in what’s true. What’s real. What’s fully human.
How to Recognize Spiritual Bypassing
You might be spiritually bypassing if:
- You move quickly to positive or faith-filled thoughts when something hard arises.
- Your body feels tense while your mind says, “I’m fine.”
- You forgive quickly, but the same frustration keeps returning.
Here are two simple questions that can help us discern if we’re bypassing:
- Am I allowing myself to feel this, or am I trying to move past it too quickly?
- Am I feeling this emotion, or am I feeding it?
There’s a difference between feeling anger and feeding anger. There’s a difference between naming resentment and rehearsing resentment. There’s a difference between being honest with God and building a courtroom case in your mind around the story.
The invitation is to move through the emotion, not around it—and not into it forever.
The Other Trap: Feeding the Emotion
But there’s another trap on the other side of spiritual bypassing.
Sometimes we move past our emotions too quickly. Other times, we move in and let them set up house. The anger keeps churning. The resentment keeps replaying. The story keeps growing.
If we’re honest, sometimes it feels strangely satisfying. We feel right. Wounded. Justified.
But that’s not freedom either.
The goal is not to deny the emotion. And the goal is not to live inside it.
The goal is to feel it honestly, bring it into conversation with God, receive what it has to teach us, and then release what we no longer need to carry.
Emotions are meant to be honored. They’re not meant to become our home.
They are messengers. They are not masters.
Getting to the Root
As my spiritual director shared the dandelion story with me, I realized I’d been trying to pop the top off my frustration with quick spiritual phrases:
“It’s okay.” “Forgive.” “God’s got this.”
But the root was still there.
As I sat with her, I let myself feel the frustration in my body instead of talking myself out of it. Tears came.
Underneath the anger, I discovered the deeper ache: “I feel alone in this. I wonder if anyone really cares about the work we’re trying to do.”
Once I named the root, the source of my anger, something softened. The resentment loosened its grip.
Then I asked: “What virtue or truth is God trying to teach me?”
What I sensed was patience—with myself, with others, and with the slow unfolding of the Divine Flow Project, which I’m helping develop with a group of other contemplative leaders.
And I remembered: I am not alone. This is God’s work. And it will unfold in God’s timing.
Once I named the emotion, felt it in my body, and brought it honestly to God, I was able to receive what He wanted to teach me.
And then I could release what I no longer needed to carry.
A Simple Practice for Moving Through Emotions
Here’s a simple street-level practice you can use when an emotion keeps circling back and you’re tempted to either stuff it down, spiritualize it away, or stay trapped in it.
The goal is simple:
Feel it. Name it. Bring it to God. Let it teach you. Release what you no longer need to carry.
1. Pause
Pause before you try to fix it, explain it, bless it, or spiritualize it.
Take a breath.
Let yourself be present to God and yourself in the moment.
2. Name What’s Real
Ask yourself:
What am I actually feeling?
Then name it simply:
“This is anger.”
“This is disappointment.”
“This is fear.”
No judging. No fixing. Just truth.
3. Feel the Emotion in Your Body
Notice where the emotion lives.
Your chest?
Your gut?
Your shoulders?
Breathe gently into that place.
You’re not trying to make it disappear. You’re letting it be seen and held.
4. Don’t Feed the Story
The mind will want to replay the story:
“They shouldn’t have done that.”
“I can’t believe they said that.”
“This always happens.”
Maybe some of that is true.
But, for a moment, let go of the story and come back to the feeling:
“This is what I’m feeling.”
Feeling the emotion without feeding the story allows it to move through you so you can release it without hardening your heart around it.
5. Bring Your Real Self to God
Bring an honest prayer to God such as:
“God, I’m frustrated.”
“This hurt.”
“I feel alone.”
Not polished. Not perfect. Just real.
6. Listen for What the Emotion Is Revealing
Ask yourself and God:
What’s underneath this emotion?
What fear is being touched?
What longing is being revealed?
Often, anger is protecting something tender. Disappointment may reveal a longing. Resentment may expose a place where we feel alone.
This is where the emotion becomes a doorway to inner growth.
7. Receive the Lesson, Then Release What You No Longer Need to Carry
Once you’ve named the emotion, felt it, and brought it to God, ask:
“What truth or virtue is God trying to help me learn?”
Then release what you no longer need to carry.
You might pray:
“God, I give You this anger.”
“I receive what You want to teach me.”
“Help me release what I no longer need to carry.”
Those words aren’t bypassing the emotion. They’re helping transform it with God’s love and wisdom.
The Shift That Changes Everything
Spiritual growth isn’t about rising above your humanity. It’s about allowing God to meet you within it.
You don’t have to skip over your anger to be spiritual. You don’t have to pretend disappointment doesn’t hurt. You don’t have to rush to forgiveness before you’ve even admitted there’s a wound.
And you don’t have to stay stuck in the wound forever.
There is another way. A Divine Flow way.
You feel what is real. You bring it honestly to God. You listen for what it’s revealing.
And then, with God’s grace and wisdom, you release what you no longer need to carry so you can grow.
That’s healing. That’s transformation. That’s street-level spirituality.
A Reflection to Ponder
Where in my life might I be smoothing something over—or staying stuck in the emotion—instead of allowing myself to feel it honestly and release it to God?
Could I trust that my emotions are not obstacles to God, but doorways where God meets me, teaches me, and helps me become the best version of myself?
A Blessing for Your Journey
(from my upcoming Divine Flow book)
Keep seeking.
Keep flowing.
Stay rooted in love.
Your heart remembers the way.
May Divine Flow guide your steps.
And when you feel unsure,
when the path is unclear,
may you allow grace to gently carry you—
until your feet find their rhythm
once again.
Your friend in the flow,
brian
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